An Ode to Helicopter Parents and the Denizens Over Whom They Hover

                Those of us in the field of higher education (and those of us who have heard anything about the so-called “Millennial Generation”) have inevitably learned of the “helicopter parents.” These are the parents who insist on hovering over their son’s or daughter’s affairs like flies over dog poop, just to make sure the latter doesn’t screw anything up. These parents can be lauded for their care and commitment to their children, choosing to play an active role in their education, rather than showing resigned indifference. However, they can also be criticized for enabling passivity and ineptitude in their beloved offspring, who are, by the way, technically adults. While I have certainly encountered my fair share of helicopter parents since I started working in higher education a few years ago, I have never been more familiar with them than I am now, working in undergraduate admissions at a traditional university. In some ways, it’s actually refreshing to work with parents because they ask good questions, show interest in what I have to say, and generally seem to have their you-know-what together (which is more than I can say for many of the students I work with). However, in deducing that a solid 50% of my daily interactions are with parents, I increasingly view the helicopter trend as an ethical dilemma.

                Now to be clear, I completely understand why many parents are strongly invested in their children’s college education. They are most likely shelling out a significant amount of resources to support this education, and they therefore want their children to receive the best one possible, with the best possible chances of success. Not to mention, they love their kids! In no way do I propose that parents become more disengaged in this process. What I do propose is that their sons and daughters become MORE engaged in this process—and that as parents, they allow space for them to do so. Example: I regularly receive phone calls, emails, and in-person inquiries from parents saying something along the lines of, “My son wants to apply to SU, it’s one of his top choices, so how do we get started with the application process?” Notice the key word here: “we”. What I want to say in response to questions like this is, “Well, if SU is really one of your son’s top choices, then why don’t you have him pick up the phone, sit down at a computer, or open up his mouth and ask me himself? And by the way, it’s HIS process, not a collective YOURS.” It’s easy to either blame the students for not taking enough initiative in their own college search process or the parents for taking over it as if it’s their own. However, the blame is ultimately shared. I firmly believe that the immaturity stereotypically characterizing the Millennial Generation is actually a product of years of disempowerment by their overbearing parents, rather than an intentional decision to forfeit responsibility. And yet, if we expect these kids to act like adults, shouldn’t we hold them accountable like adults? At what age do we say, “You’re old enough to take responsibility for your irresponsibility”? I do my best to direct communication to the student him- or herself when possible, rather than always answering to the parent. But sometimes the only contact I have is with the parent, and in the interest of appeasing them and respecting their role as influential figures in their children’s college decision, my only choice is to treat them as my primary clients.

                The bigger concern in all of this is what effect helicopter parents have on their children’s development and success once they actually make the leap to college and beyond. If Bobby doesn’t have the wherewithal or drive to ask me himself about the college application process that he, himself, will be completing (we hope), then how will he fare when he’s living on campus and needs to investigate other college processes and procedures? Furthermore, when he flounders at taking care of his own business, who will bear the brunt of the consequences? Will it be Bobby, or will he defer accountability to his ever-present helicopter parent who has always taken responsibility for him in the past? The helicopter parent trend is fundamentally damaging to everyone involved. The students don’t learn the essential skills they need to navigate their adult lives, nor do they get to feel the pride of accomplishing something independently. Simultaneously, parents may feel a sense of control and security in keeping watch on their children’s affairs, but ultimately they will expect more of their son or daughter and will be disappointed at his or her lack of self-discipline. I love (facetiously) how many parents balk at the idea of their college graduate coming back home to live in the basement while working a low-paying part-time job, never once considering that perhaps they paved the way for this outcome long ago. Granted, the current economy doesn’t help matters, but if parents want their kids to grow up and be accomplished adults, they have to treat them like grown-up, accomplished adults.

                In what ways can we, as a society, foster more responsibility among younger generations and less control among parents? In what ways can we, as higher education professionals, ensure that students take charge of their own education and parents remain the supporters that they should be? And also, how much of this helicopter parent issue is actually an issue of privilege? I wager that this is a phenomenon far more common among middle- to upper-class families with various sources of sociological privilege and that families with fewer socio-economic resources and privilege do not have the luxury of cushioning their children in this way. At first, I believed that the increase in my interactions with helicopter parents in my current position was a result of working with a younger student population. This may be largely true, but I also believe it is significantly tied to the relative privilege of the population I work with now, as compared to my previous position. When I was working at a community college, I still served plenty of young, traditional-aged students—some of whom were still in high school, completing Running Start or other college credits. However, they generally represented more low-income, racially/ethnically diverse, and first-generation college students than their private school counterparts. I recall far fewer instances of a young student bringing his or her parent to an appointment or having his or her parent be the omnipresent mouthpiece. Perhaps this was because his or her parent was busy working a demanding, full-time job or didn’t know where to start in gathering information about college.

                Regardless of the level of emotional, financial, and intellectual investment parents have in their children’s education (or life in general, for that matter), they must realize that they are not doing any favors by absorbing their children’s educational (and life) duties. The high school and undergraduate years are absolutely an appropriate time to help their children learn how to take initiative, ask questions, get organized, and work hard to accomplish a goal. If not during these years, then when? I would argue any starting point beyond this time is too late. So, by all means, parents should make the effort to check in with their son or daughter about the college search process and important educational matters. They should feel free to accompany their son or daughter to important college-related events. They should also feel entitled to have a say in the financial side of their son or daughter’s college education. But having an investment does not warrant taking complete control. Release the reins. Let your kid be an adult. And students, accept the responsibility!