Hard Times

Hey, everyone. As some of you may have seen on my Facebook, my grandpa passed away yesterday morning, after battling with emphysema/COPD for many years. He was 85 years old, and he died in his sleep, at home in the company of my grandma, my mom, and my aunt. I was very devastated by this news, as he has been a constant in my life for quite some time. My grandparents live just down the street from my home in Vancouver, so I always saw them regularly and spent most holidays with them. Although his health has been declining ever since he fell and broke his hip almost a year ago, I was not expecting him to go so soon. My brother and I just moved away for school, and my sister was planning a trip home to see Grandpa before the holidays. Apparently he acquired a cold, which took his lung capacity down to about 24%, and he simply couldn't get enough oxygen, even with his tank. It's hard to lose him, but he lived a long life and held on for a long time in spite of his illness. I know my grandma is heartbroken, which in turn makes me really sad. In the past year or so, I have heard her openly say things like, "When he goes, I go," and "I don't know what I'm going to do without him." They had been married for over 65 years, I think, and she dedicated so much of her life to caring for him. I am afraid she will stop trying to seek a new normalcy in her life, but I hope that, as a family, we can all show her how much we love her and need her in our lives.

His funeral service is going to be held in Morris, Illinois, where he grew up, so unfortunately, I probably won't be able to make it. I start classes tomorrow, and each of my classes is only one day a week, so it would be difficult to miss them so soon in the term. I want to go to support the family, and I have actually never been to a funeral before, but at the same time, I feel that I want to remember my grandpa when he was alive, rather than having to see him in death. I'm having a really hard time dealing with the concept of death because this is only the second close relative in my life who has died. (My paternal grandpa died in 2000 from lung cancer.) It's also compounded by the fact that I am not religious or even very spiritual, and yet I am surrounded by people who are. They are able to take solace in their beliefs in an afterlife, heaven, God, etc., and I do not have those beliefs to fall back on. While this doesn't make me feel that my way of thinking is wrong, it does present me the challenge of finding ways to deal with grief that don't rely on supernatural concepts. These are hard to find. Death still scares me, even though I see it as a natural part of life. It freaks me out to think that someone who I have always seen living, breathing, talking, moving, etc. suddenly has ceased to exist. It's difficult for me to think about.

Another thing that has been hard for me lately are the feelings of loneliness and isolation since I moved to Seattle. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be here, and I know that things will get better once I actually start school and get into the groove of things. But, I feel like each day has been comprised of me inventing things to keep myself occupied, like running errands or obsessively applying for jobs. Some of it has been productive; I have all of my necessities and feel pretty settled in my apartment, and I have gotten a few interviews. Yet, I'm still lacking the routine of actually going to work, going to school, or going out with friends. I want to be able to explore Seattle, but I feel guilty about spending much money right now, and I also feel that I want someone to explore it with. I have some acquaintances here, but most of them work full-time or at least half-time and aren't nearly as available as I am. Besides, it's hard for me to hang out with people in a contrived way; I usually have to make friends in natural settings, without forcing it. I am definitely excited to start getting more involved in the campus community, and I have already found a few groups that interest me. One of them is SUSDA, the student development association for my specific grad program, which offers lots of ways to get involved with other students. Another is a group offered through Campus Ministry called Baggaged Catholics, which is a support-type group for those who wish to resolve issues they have with the Catholic Church or Catholic identity. In reading about the group, I was interested, but I wasn't sure if it was appropriate for someone like me, who not only does not want to identify as Catholic, but who also doesn't believe in most of the core Christian doctrines. However, I emailed the coordinator, and she said she would love to me have me as part of the group, which starts up in the winter. I'm excited to engage in dialogue with other ex-Catholics or questioning Catholics about how we have both an attachment and an aversion to the faith. I think it's awesome that a Catholic university even offers something like this. Only the Jesuits--gotta love 'em!

Anyway, I know this post is a little more downer than most, but I have just been struggling a bit lately. As corny or melodramatic as it may sound, some of the transitions I have gone through this year have made me realize who my true friends are and who is really there for me. I appreciate all the people in my life who have been a consistent source of support and happiness for me, and I have actually been somewhat surprised by who those people have been. Thank you! There are others to whom I have dedicated a lot of time and energy who have not reciprocated it to the extent that I feel I deserve. This has been disillusioning, but I think it is helping me to grow and fully understand what it is that I want, what it is that I deserve, and what I should not settle for. I have lots of optimism for my (near) future, I just need to get past the relationships and situations that have been bringing me down. Here's to a new beginning!