Hard Times

Hey, everyone. As some of you may have seen on my Facebook, my grandpa passed away yesterday morning, after battling with emphysema/COPD for many years. He was 85 years old, and he died in his sleep, at home in the company of my grandma, my mom, and my aunt. I was very devastated by this news, as he has been a constant in my life for quite some time. My grandparents live just down the street from my home in Vancouver, so I always saw them regularly and spent most holidays with them. Although his health has been declining ever since he fell and broke his hip almost a year ago, I was not expecting him to go so soon. My brother and I just moved away for school, and my sister was planning a trip home to see Grandpa before the holidays. Apparently he acquired a cold, which took his lung capacity down to about 24%, and he simply couldn't get enough oxygen, even with his tank. It's hard to lose him, but he lived a long life and held on for a long time in spite of his illness. I know my grandma is heartbroken, which in turn makes me really sad. In the past year or so, I have heard her openly say things like, "When he goes, I go," and "I don't know what I'm going to do without him." They had been married for over 65 years, I think, and she dedicated so much of her life to caring for him. I am afraid she will stop trying to seek a new normalcy in her life, but I hope that, as a family, we can all show her how much we love her and need her in our lives.

His funeral service is going to be held in Morris, Illinois, where he grew up, so unfortunately, I probably won't be able to make it. I start classes tomorrow, and each of my classes is only one day a week, so it would be difficult to miss them so soon in the term. I want to go to support the family, and I have actually never been to a funeral before, but at the same time, I feel that I want to remember my grandpa when he was alive, rather than having to see him in death. I'm having a really hard time dealing with the concept of death because this is only the second close relative in my life who has died. (My paternal grandpa died in 2000 from lung cancer.) It's also compounded by the fact that I am not religious or even very spiritual, and yet I am surrounded by people who are. They are able to take solace in their beliefs in an afterlife, heaven, God, etc., and I do not have those beliefs to fall back on. While this doesn't make me feel that my way of thinking is wrong, it does present me the challenge of finding ways to deal with grief that don't rely on supernatural concepts. These are hard to find. Death still scares me, even though I see it as a natural part of life. It freaks me out to think that someone who I have always seen living, breathing, talking, moving, etc. suddenly has ceased to exist. It's difficult for me to think about.

Another thing that has been hard for me lately are the feelings of loneliness and isolation since I moved to Seattle. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be here, and I know that things will get better once I actually start school and get into the groove of things. But, I feel like each day has been comprised of me inventing things to keep myself occupied, like running errands or obsessively applying for jobs. Some of it has been productive; I have all of my necessities and feel pretty settled in my apartment, and I have gotten a few interviews. Yet, I'm still lacking the routine of actually going to work, going to school, or going out with friends. I want to be able to explore Seattle, but I feel guilty about spending much money right now, and I also feel that I want someone to explore it with. I have some acquaintances here, but most of them work full-time or at least half-time and aren't nearly as available as I am. Besides, it's hard for me to hang out with people in a contrived way; I usually have to make friends in natural settings, without forcing it. I am definitely excited to start getting more involved in the campus community, and I have already found a few groups that interest me. One of them is SUSDA, the student development association for my specific grad program, which offers lots of ways to get involved with other students. Another is a group offered through Campus Ministry called Baggaged Catholics, which is a support-type group for those who wish to resolve issues they have with the Catholic Church or Catholic identity. In reading about the group, I was interested, but I wasn't sure if it was appropriate for someone like me, who not only does not want to identify as Catholic, but who also doesn't believe in most of the core Christian doctrines. However, I emailed the coordinator, and she said she would love to me have me as part of the group, which starts up in the winter. I'm excited to engage in dialogue with other ex-Catholics or questioning Catholics about how we have both an attachment and an aversion to the faith. I think it's awesome that a Catholic university even offers something like this. Only the Jesuits--gotta love 'em!

Anyway, I know this post is a little more downer than most, but I have just been struggling a bit lately. As corny or melodramatic as it may sound, some of the transitions I have gone through this year have made me realize who my true friends are and who is really there for me. I appreciate all the people in my life who have been a consistent source of support and happiness for me, and I have actually been somewhat surprised by who those people have been. Thank you! There are others to whom I have dedicated a lot of time and energy who have not reciprocated it to the extent that I feel I deserve. This has been disillusioning, but I think it is helping me to grow and fully understand what it is that I want, what it is that I deserve, and what I should not settle for. I have lots of optimism for my (near) future, I just need to get past the relationships and situations that have been bringing me down. Here's to a new beginning!

Bonafide City Girl

Hey, blogworld! This is my first blog post from my new home in Seattle, where I am still settling in after moving last weekend. It's been a busy week, with some uppety ups and some downy downs. On the plus side, I finally found an apartment! It only took until literally the day before I planned to move, but I finally got through the screening process and am now situated in a one-bedroom apartment in Interbay, which, for those who don't know the area well, is right between Queen Anne, Magnolia, and Ballard. It's a pretty cool location, as I have access to the more upscale parts of town, as well as the more ruddy, alternative ones. My apartment overlooks 15th Avenue, which is a really busy thoroughfare that is almost always loud and crowded, but it's nice to be so close to everything I could want or need. The only downside to the location is that there is no straight shot to the freeway, which is significantly east of me. No matter which way I go, I have to take several busy surface streets, battling traffic and non-stop construction to get to I-5 or even Hwy 99. I guess when Seattleites say to avoid the freeway if you can, they're not just talking about traffic. Easy to avoid it when you can't even get to it!

Anyway, my dad and stepmom drove over from little ol' Casper, Wyoming to help me move to the big city, and it was really great to see them and have their support. The move itself went really smoothly, as I didn't have a ton of stuff (only furniture I had was a queen-sized bed and a small desk and office chair); plus, apparently Dad and Janet are pro movers at this point in their adult lives, having done it many more times than I have. Little brother, Braden, helped out, too, despite having just had his four wisdom teeth taken out. He looked like a blowfish, but he was a trooper and single-handedly organized my kitchen. I stayed the night with them at a fancy schmancy hotel in downtown Bellevue Saturday night, since I wanted to spend time with them before they left the next day. We ate at a restaurant called the Crab Pot, which is a West Coast chain that was featured on Man vs. Food, and it was delicioso! On Sunday, we all drove up to Bellingham so Braden could show Dad and Janet where he'll be going to college (Western Washington). They thought the campus was beautiful, which it is. I'm jealous! We wandered downtown for a bit and then ate at this yummy pizza place before heading back south. They then left me to my own devices and headed back down to Vancouver/Portland.

From Monday til today, I've basically been running non-stop errands to try and fill the empty space in my apartment and get all my necessities. Thanks to generous help from Dad and Janet (my measly part-time income from the 'Couve and past student loans wasn't gonna cut it), I was able to get: two dining chairs, a microwave, a 32" TV and TV cart, a full-length mirror, a nightstand, and a lamp, among other items. I still need to get a couch and a dresser, but those weren't things I could carry from my trunk to my apartment alone, so I'm waiting till my mom comes up tomorrow. I'm paying it forward and helping her move Braden into his dorm up at Western, and then she's staying the night at my place. I had an interview on Wednesday for a job at North Seattle Community College, and I felt pretty good about it, although I think I could've done better. I am one of four candidates chosen for the first round of interviews, and I discovered that day that there are, in fact, THREE rounds in total. The second is with the Vice President of the college and the third is with the President! To me, that seems a little overkill for an office assistant position, but I guess it's good that they are actually involved in lower-chain decision-making. I'm supposed to find out on Tuesday if I move on to the next round, and I'm pretty nervous either way. I've decided to continue applying to other jobs, to keep my options open, and I've moved outside of the higher ed. arena to general clerical and customer service jobs. I hate this whole process and hope that it will be as brief as possible! I need to start making an income again, and I also just need something to keep me busy during the day. Even a few days of relative isolation have made me borderline crazy, and I realize how much I value being employed!

Coming up next is orientation for my grad program on Sunday, which I am really ready for at this point, and then classes start for me next Thursday. I'm going to try to make it over to campus before then to get a parking permit and go to the LGBTQ Open House; that way I can familiarize myself with it a bit more before showtime. I'm really looking forward to meeting new people and forming deeper relationships with my acquaintances here. I'm excited to be part of an academic community again--I think it's really where I fit in the most. In the meantime, if you're reading this and you live in the Seattle area, hit me up and help me get out of my apartment for something other than groceries and furniture! If you're reading this and you live elsewhere in the greater Pacific Northwest, you better be planning to visit me soon! Miss ya'll and hope to see you when I come home sometime in October, if not sooner. For those of you who requested photos of my apartment, see below...

My living room, which is currently very bare, but I plan to get a couch this weekend. Plenty of space, which is nice!

The other side of my living room, which I have designated as my workspace--right next to my balcony, so I can get some natural light (and plenty of traffic noise).

My kitchen, which is bigger than this pic makes it look. Not featured: my cool red microwave, which goes with my whole "black, red, and white diner" theme.

View #1 from my balcony, which is right across from the Interbay Driving Range. Surprisingly, there is something comforting about having big stadium lights on all night.

View #2 from my balcony, 15th Avenue, which runs right up to Ballard.

View #3 from my balcony: my camera's best attempt at capturing some of the fancy homes on the hill in Magnolia, just west of me. 

My quaint little dining room, featuring my two-person dining set (thanks, Dad and Janet!)

My bathroom--also bigger than this photo would suggest.

My bedroom, which is quite spacious.

My stowaway bunny, Benjamin. Shhh!

Benjamin's riveting ivy view. 

My wonderfully large closet. It's no Carry Bradshaw closet, but it'll do, pig, it'll do.

Aaaaand, last but not least, my unfortunate IKEA nightstand. As you can see, I didn't notice that the front bottom panel was on backwards until I had already put 26 small nails into the back panel, solidifying everything. FML. Still trying to figure out how I'm going to fix this one, but before you judge, let it be known that I successfully constructed both dining room chairs, as well as the TV cart, which came with no instructions of any kind. Ok, so I'm not Bob the Builder, but this was just bad luck.