1. Attempting to one-up women’s stories and jokes.
Although not always done consciously or with ill intentions, men routinely
respond to women’s humor and storytelling by promptly dealing what they believe
to be a cleverer quip or a more momentous experience. I’ve observed men doing
this to each other, as well, which makes for a very competitive conversational
atmosphere. In my experience, though, the acknowledgement women get from men
for being funny or entertaining is sparser than what men offer to each other.
*The
message this sends is: Your voice, perspective, experiences, and contributions
are less valuable than mine. Therefore, I get to have the last word and the
last laugh.
*What men can do instead: It’s fine to engage in an exchange of wit,
but be more mindful of the intent and impact your responses have. Realize that,
sometimes, the best response is a genuine laugh or an appreciative nod.
2. Expecting women to look and be sexy for them at
all times. Sure, heterosexual women may want to look and be sexy for
heterosexual men on frequent occasions—and that’s fine. It’s also fine to want
your significant other(s) to care about their appearance and your (collective) sex
life. What’s not fine is when men ridicule and devalue women for choosing to
present themselves in ways that are not concerned with the male gaze. E.g.
wearing comfortable clothes and shoes, not wearing make-up, letting their hair
go natural, taking up more space in their posture or sitting position, or not
shaving. It’s also not fine for men to force, pressure, or guilt women into
having sex with them. Certainly rape is the most extreme version of this, but it’s
likely that a majority of men have at least shamed and blamed women for denying
them sex or have pulled a pouty guilt trip.
*The message this sends is: One of your
primary purposes as a woman is to please me sexually, and therefore your
autonomy as an individual is less important. I am entitled to govern and
control your body for my own benefit.
*What men can do instead: Honor the fact
that women are multi-faceted, just like you, and their sexuality is only one of
those facets. Take time to flatter women for qualities that are not related to
their appearance. Besides, isn’t it sexier when women actually want to look and be sexy?
3. Allowing women to clean up their messes at
family and social gatherings. It may be less common these days for women to
assume the sole role of “homemakers” and more obligatory for men to contribute
to domestic labor (although, the progress is probably less significant than we
think). However, it’s challenging to recall a single multi-gendered family or
social gathering in which women didn’t disproportionately or entirely clean up
not just their own messes, but the men’s too. Whether it’s after Christmas
dinner or Friday game night, women are frequently observed clearing the table,
washing the dishes, and re-organizing the space while men relax in their
armchairs to watch the football game or shoot the breeze.
*The message this sends
is: You, as a woman, are more suited to domestic labor than I am, as a man, and
your time and energy are cheaper than mine.
*What men can do instead: Offer to
help. Even if your offer is turned down, it still means something.
4. Withholding their emotions from women. A
long-standing social norm is for men to sparingly express their emotions,
especially when those emotions are deep and potentially vulnerable (i.e. sadness,
hopefulness, anxiety, fear, joy). Even the most modern, progressive men are
prone to lapse into this socialization, especially when the going gets tough.
And it’s not just women, of course, that men “protect” from their emotions, it
is other men, as well. Arguably, however, heterosexual women bear the brunt of
this behavior in their intimate relationships with heterosexual men, when the
latter would often rather end the relationship than consistently resolve issues
by sharing their feelings.
*The message that is sent by such stoicism is:
Sharing my emotions makes me feel vulnerable, and vulnerability is
characteristic of femininity. I don’t want to be associated with femininity,
and I don’t trust you enough to be vulnerable in front of you. My pride is more
important than the health of our relationship.
*What men can do instead: Allow
yourself to be vulnerable, especially when it really matters. Don’t equate
emotionality with femininity; it is inherently human to experience and express
feelings. Recognize that withholding your emotions from the people you love is
decaying your relationship with them.
5. Telling women they are overreacting to or making
up sexism. For every time a woman has experienced sexism, she has encountered
at least one man who doubted or discounted that experience. It comes in the
form of victims of sexual assault who are blamed for their dress or behavior when
they report it to authorities, teachers, or even family members. It’s when
those who have noticed androcentric language in dozens of standardized texts
and works of literature and felt excluded by it are told that women fall under
the umbrella of men, and they just need to get over it. It’s when women express
their frustration that they often have to expend twice as much effort and
resources to obtain the same jobs and opportunities afforded to men, and men
assure them that they are being paranoid, and they probably just weren’t as
qualified. Just as a white person cannot truly understand or even notice the
daily experiences of a person of color, a man is at least moderately oblivious
to the daily experiences of a woman.
*The message men’s denial of sexism sends
is: Although I am not you and do not share the same gender identity, I believe
that I know more about your experiences and perspective than you do. I care
less about being a supportive advocate to you than I do about minimizing my
male privilege because that makes me uncomfortable.
*What men can do instead:
Listen to women when they talk about sexism. Although your initial reaction may
be to disagree or feel defensive, this kind of response is unproductive and
only reinforces the idea that women’s voices and feelings don’t matter. Try to
empathize with women’s experiences, and offer words of support rather than
defiance.
6. Using derogatory, oppressive words to describe
women. Many of the men I know would not regularly use words like “slut,
“whore,” or “cunt” to describe women. However, most of the men I know have used
these words on occasion, especially when they are angry or talking about a
woman they deem to be sexually “promiscuous”. These words have been used to devalue
and oppress women for as long as they have existed, and they all reduce women
to sexual objects. It’s true that some women (and men) have tried to reclaim
these words and use them with one another in a playful or empowering way. I
would argue that this isn’t productive in advancing female empowerment, since
reclaiming words implies that at some point they had a positive connotation
dictated by the target group themselves. In any case, though, for a man to a
call a woman one of these words is, in my opinion, akin to a white person
calling a black person the n-word. It’s simply not appropriate because of the
baggage it carries between the two groups, even if the intent behind using it
is not malicious.
*The message that is sent by using these words is: To show my
dislike for a woman, I describe her as being sexually “dirty” or a sexual
object because I dualistically view her sexuality as both the most important
aspect of her identity and the most objectionable aspect of her identity. Or, I
am insensitive to the oppressive connotations behind these words and feel
entitled to use them according to my own meanings and perspective.
*What men can
do instead: Just avoid using these words. It can be hard at first because we
all grow up hearing them from multiple sources and, in a moment of frustration,
we may not be readily able to come up with another word to capture our
feelings. But it’s important to recognize that language matters. Words are symbols
of our values and ideas, so consider the impact they can have.
7. Being intimidated by women’s confidence and
success. I think we can all agree that women have made major progress
throughout history in standing up for themselves more, being more comfortable
in their own skin, acting more assertive, and advancing their own success. I
think we can also all agree that many men have played an important role in
supporting this progress and have made progress of their own by changing their
attitudes about women’s roles in society. Unfortunately, it is still true that
many men feel threatened by a confident, successful woman, especially when they
don’t view themselves as being equally or more confident and successful. I have
known well-meaning, open-minded men who were fine with the idea of women’s
power and progress until it was their own partner, family member, or
supervisor. They would talk the talk of feminist advocacy, but then would be
discouraged and annoyed if their partner made more money than they did or would
criticize women in positions of leadership in ways they would not criticize men
in the same positions.
*The message this
sends is: Even though I may want to or feel obligated to believe that women
deserve the same (or more) power and success as men, I don’t really believe
that. I view your confidence as unlikable and unfeminine, and I view your
success as a personal slight to me. My identity and sense of self-worth is
defined by your inferiority.
*What men can do instead: Check yourself on this
double-standard. When you feel intimidated or resentful towards a confident,
successful woman, recognize that it’s something you need to work on internally, rather than something she needs to change for you. Encourage,
support, and congratulate women for their accomplishments, and you will feel
better about your own.
