20 Things I Really Wish I Had Learned by Now

1. How to sew a button back on. Or, really, any seamstressing at all.
   
   
2. The whole alpha-mnemonic system for spelling out words or names over the phone.  “Uh…P as in…Pierce. I as in…I got nothin’. E as in…uh…can there just be a Z in this name so I can say, Z as in zebra? No one ever taught me this.”
3. How to speed read. After graduating from a college preparatory high school, earning a double-major Bachelor’s degree in two reading- and writing-heavy disciplines, and pulling my way through a Master’s degree, I have somehow still not mastered this art. Every time I try to speed read, my brain is like, “Wait, this looks interesting! Better read more thoroughly. No, you can’t, you’ll be here all night! But…I really hate just doing the bare minimum, I want to comprehensively understand this. God, I’m such an overachiever. Why can’t I just focus on some cogent paragraphs like everyone else and call it a day? That’s not really me, though…”
   
   
4. Whether it’s ok to use the handicap stall if there is no handicapped person in the restroom. I always thought, first-come, first-served, but according to some people this makes me a monster.
5. What to say to someone when their loved one dies. Everything I’ve tried always sounds so hollow and generic. Not sure anyone has figured this one out...
6.  How to cope with the serious conundrum of wanting to eat meat and dairy but being intensely disturbed by the thought of animals being killed and mistreated. Why can’t my BBQ just be made from excessive cuddling of free-range pigs?
   
   
7.  How to eat just one serving size of Ben & Jerry’s. “Well, I would measure out half a cup in this little bowl, but I’d rather dig craters in the carton trying to find all the Heath bar chunks and then just give up and siphon the whole thing.”
   
   
8. How to cook without a recipe. Everyone says it’s just a matter of having the confidence to experiment. I’m sure that’s true, but the thing is I’m lazy.
9.  Why religion is so important to people. And I’m not being a snide agnostic on this one, I just have honestly never understood.
10. Why sports are so important to people. And I’m not being a brooding buzzkill on this one, I just have honestly never understood. (When I see people fanatically react to game plays, wins and losses, and team rivalry, I look on with a mixture of sociological fascination and angsty disgust.)
    
    
11. Why modern, abstract art is considered art. I’m sorry, but if I could have created it in kindergarten, it’s not art.
    
    
12. How the heck to use The Cloud. I’m a so-called millennial, but this continues to mystify me. (Side note: Whenever I get confused by basic technology, Sol gushes in placating admiration of how “cute” my hopeless ignorance is.)
13. Whether my high school boyfriend dumped me because I ignored him or because I got braces. I mean, it’s safe to say I’ve moved on, but inquiring minds want to know…
    
    
14. Whether my middle school social studies teacher ever got arrested for a sex crime. ‘Cuz yeah, that dude was CREEPY.
15. How to fire up a charcoal grill or start a campfire. I know it’s probably very anti-feminist of me to say, but thank goodness there’s always been eager men around to take care of that.
    
    
16. How to do hair. Chalk it up to the fact that my sister, my mom, and I all had matching butch haircuts for the first 13 years of my life. But yeah, never really figured that out.
    
    
17. How to sleep on an airplane. Between the constant intercom babble, the armrest hogger next to me, the travel anxiety, the stale recycled air, the baby crying in row 14, the pressure- and motion-induced headache, and the anticipation of my tomato juice shot and sugar packet-sized bag of pretzels, I’m not sure, something just doesn’t do it for me.
18. How to do a pull-up. I missed my opportunity back in middle school with the national physical fitness testing, but for the sake of my ego, it’d be nice to do it one day. But something tells me I’ll always be one of the flexed arm hang kids. L
    
    
19. How to parallel park on the left side of the street. Oh man, that stresses me out.
20. Whether or not to make eye contact with a stranger passing by on the sidewalk. And then, whether or not to smile. And then, whether or not to venture into a brief, “Hi.” That 15-second stretch gives me way more anxiety than it should.